The NeuLife Project: Co-Living — Who, When, What, Where and Hows
When four wonderful handsome single under 30 year old men ask you (a single 40 year older woman) to live together in Barcelona for a month, what would be your reaction?
I freaked.
I remember telling an older woman friend of mine I was going to stay with some young men in a foreign country and she told me to be careful.
What was I afraid of? What was she concerned by?
As a 100% Me — explorer, I am always pushing the boundaries of learning who I am and what energy and talents I bring to the world as well as the shadows and limiting stories I tell myself.
One Lesson I learnt from my psychology mentor at Harvard was “Go towards that which repels me”. This means if it makes me angry, scared or upset — Go deeper and see what lies beneath. And in that inquiry, answers lie that are deep and telling to our deeper unconscious needs and defenses.
So when others would have taken the fear for the need to step back or away. I went to Barcelona.
I am still very much a conservative 40 something Asian from Asia and most of my living has either been with my family of origin. Only recently did I rent a room in my Singapore apartment to cover the costs of my recent travels to find new markets for my training business. I have had housemates. I usually have 2 other housemates but we didn’t call it co-living. We called in — landlady (me) and tenants (them). The unsaid rule was to go into our rooms for privacy and we never had common events which we would co-host together.
The Barcelona house, that’s what we call co-living living — “houses” was to be an attempt to build community. We were going to meditate, yoga, make communal meals, hold events where we build community in Barcelona etc. That was the difference. It was not simply a place to lay my head. It was to be in communion meaning to “ be with the people there”. When I lived with my friends, we were together and close and yes events would be planned organically, however the added element of co-living was that we would rise each other to our best selves and we would leave the living together, better and changed. That was a big draw for me as I am always researching higher consciousness and growth and transforming.
As the days approach for my trip to Barcelona, I deconstructed my fears to the following:
1) I didn’t want to feel like the only older person (10 people of which 7 were under 30 when I was there
2) I didn’t want to feel that it was too party-centric and dating focused after all they were young and it was Barcelona! I prefer small dose of excitement nestled in longer periods of stability and time for me. Yes I am an introvert.
3) I really wanted a clean beautiful and comfortable space, essentially I wanted to feel at home. And yes I felt with younger mostly male housemates, this might not be my experience.
Apart from my family of origin, I have lived with tenants, with friends as housemates, and in 3 dormitories, 2 in North America and 1 in Asia. So I wanted the best of all the above, not the worst.
The Best of
… feeling like a family and the housemates have my back.
… cleanliness and ownership rather than the haphazard nature of dormitories
… sharing and caring, with friends as we cooked for each other, watched movies together and shared cabs home after parties.
In the Barcelona house, we had a co-working area in the largest open area. On a white board, we had the names of all the people in the house with our intentions for the week. Many of them were digital nomads, so several intentions spoke of building digital products and launching products. I was keen to finish my book and I have always found that when I am away in a new country, I have better flow of writing. So I took the time I was there to write, write, write and that was my intention.
As mentioned I knew a friend or two before I got there. He and I would find co-working spaces in Barcelona to work from. His persistence and being on track with work actually helped me a lot. Despite being in beautiful Barcelona, I was not as distracted. In fact, I worked harder when I worked as I didn’t want to miss a minute of the life outside of work. At home as an entrepreneur with a remote team, I would sometimes be distracted thinking I had extra time in a day. Basically the energy of the friend and the house and the excitement of events and group outing made me more determined to get work done in the most time effective way possible.
As a single older woman, safety is a concern whenever I travelled. I seldom would go out to drinks or a party. It would feel strange to go alone to a club and then I would have to send myself home again. When I was living with the community, I never worried about that. We would always have someone to go with and come back with if we needed. It was a such a comforting experience of being able to depend on someone and also have fun. Some friends have asked me if there were romances in the house itself. And the answer would have to be yes. When the couples were being formed or forming, it was not like the singles were left out. In fact we all gave hugs and check-ins often. We had a huge culture of group hugs as well as cuddle puddles. Where we experience nonsexual group physical intimacy through cuddling. Yes cuddle puddle. I know.. my parents didn’t teach me that growing up. If done with people you trust and feel safe with, it is wonderful. Try it!
I didn’t get a chance to stay too long with the Barcelona house — however I am hooked on co-living for many of the health and happiness benefits it offers.
Connection
Challenge to rise to my fullest potential — like playing on the same team
Learning from living with international travellers. When I was there we had 90% under 30 years old and 70% men. They were..
1 American
1 British
1 Irish
2 French
2 Russians
1 Israeli
2 Austrians
2 Canadian
2 Estonians
and me… Singaporean
Learning about their expertise and industries. The multiple perspectives blew my mind and made my world richer.
And yes — being with younger people… helped me feel younger.
Basically I was doing things not in my normal daily life. Like Tai Qi by the beach taught by someone who learnt it from a master in Bali.
In psychology, novelty and well-being — rewires our brain and we absorb things faster. So it was like a crash course in living deeper and faster.
Downsides?
Like a dormitory.
Sometimes the kitchen and toilet was not to my standards of cleanliness.
We had a meeting to discuss such behaviours and normed what was expected
Yes someone stole my breakfast from the fridge. :P
Sometimes like in any community, someone irritated someone else. And we took sides
What was different?
We spoke about these in ‘family’ meetings. This means we had discussions for our living together frictions. Something that I never had growing up. With a father who dominated and his way was the highway, I realized over the years that it’s not about the people — its about the systems of living that creates good culture.
The magic key is the communication and alignment of values. So while I gathered to live with strangers because we were all friends of friends and had similar values of wanting to be in communion, that value over-rode all or most of our own individual preference and frictions.
Will I stay in a co-living community again? Watch this space
Will you?
Write to me if you have lived in a co-living
Or are curious
