The Happiest Year Ever
At the end of each year I do a retreat and review and reflect and assess the year. It is very helpful and can be painful. I have had years of regret and disappointment and that Christmas was filled with emptiness rather than joy.
I wondered many times what made one year wonderful and one year sh*t. In my earlier years, I assumed it was random. It assumed it was just a lucky year or not. However after I learnt Positive Psychology, the science of happiness I realized what happened was how I framed what happiness was. I also realized that being in former beliefs from my father and mother and society, I was measuring my success against older beliefs that no longer served me. I found also that I was avoiding my sadness and anger by swallowing and accepting unconsciously that my life was supposed to be “a life of less then”. A life of fatedness and default living rather than one of my own design.
Now I allow myself to feel and in so doing — in expressing my true feelings I also have found a fuller richer daily life. I used to live my life avoiding the ‘bad’ and chasing the ‘good’. Now I understand that the emotions of pleasure and pain come together and my being able to manage them and be with them, makes me wiser and allows me the “peace that passeth understanding” that is the true happiness — I seek.
This year 2018 — was my happiest year ever. It was so happy I had to review it and draw some insights on how that happened. I would say it mostly by chance. How I must acknowledge how intentionally I have decided to live my life as of 2015. I probably made the greatest change needed for this true happiness to begin.
Flashback 2015, it was my birthday and I was alone. Alone but surrounded by friends at Riders Lodge in Malaysia. This is where I go for my personal quiet time and to gather with friends. It is not as melodramatic as you may think. I had thrown myself my bi-annual or tri-annual birthday bash 2 days before and had a size-able turnout in a lovely art museum in Singapore.
However I remember sitting at this retreat alone and crying as I realized I had to leave Singapore and my sick mother. All social roles told me I had to stay, she had had near deaths a few times in the last few years and I had reduced my traveling. However I knew my mind was needing new learning that being in Singapore could not provide; and my soul was simply restless. Coming to terms with that made me had the courage to tell my brother of my need to leave. What he said made so much sense. My mother would never want to see me sad and if I had to go, I had to go. I was already there through 2 major illness she faced. So I have done my part. He would be there for her.
When I made the decision to leave Singapore and explore staying in different parts of the world for extended periods of time, I moved from local to global citizen. I made a commitment to becoming someone concerned with building and supporting the eco-systems outside of my home of origin. I chose new homes and new neighborhoods and new countries to contribute to.
- Starting a New not just at New Years but all year through
This year I started New Year’s in Los Angeles. With my then to be co-founder. I had done Christmas with my brothers’ family (mom had passed in 2016 and I was at her bed-side). So I simply didn’t have it in me to celebrate New Years in Singapore. For years after my father died and mostly after my mother was unwell, I would forgo New Year Celebrations to be with her as we counted the year down. I remember the first Christmas after dad passed my mother was so upset and sleep deprived she managed to allow a car to run over her foot in the carpark. That New Years she was puking and hobbling around. So yes. New Years for years after was quieter for me and I would be next to my mom. What made it even more intense was 1st of January was their wedding date. So I didn’t want her to be alone on both days.
It was good to celebrate New Years somewhere else. It felt like a new start each time. I now understand how important geography adds to your quality of life. While I was very masculine in leadership traits and a go-getter in Singapore; when I go to L.A. I allow myself to flow and be connected more with nature and sunsets. While I feel I am in the forefront of social change in India which is where I spend alot of time, when I am in Estonia as a visitor and soon to be business owner; I feel more grounded again to nature and allow my more feminine traits to thrive.
The multiple sides of me are allowed to play more freely when I am not in a certain context. It took me travels and long extended stays in countries I now also call home to allow me now to internalize that feeling. So now I do not need the geography to bring me to that mindspace and heartspace, but it most certainly helps.
Starting a New is one aspect of my happiness. It gives me hope and excitement since I do not know what to expect.
2) Having Friends around the World
Is the next thing 2018 made clear to me.
I usually travel. However this year I did two things differently. One I stayed at two friends places for two weeks or more. And they not only did not kick me out, they actually seemed rather pleased to have me.
I have friends whom I seldom see because we live in different countries. Not everyone has lived in 3 student hostels and attended 4 different universities for higher education. Not everyone has attended over 15 conferences in one year and so collect many international acquaintances I have made friends with.
Thank you S. and N. Being with you and having your lovely views to look out to in Santa Barbara and New York City made me feel at home even when I was not in my own apartment. S. your family was so sweet to have me at their events like Father’s Day. I have not celebrated that day since 1999. It almost made me cry.
What happened this year that surprised me and also made it so much fun was my 1 day in London and Berlin and San Francisco.
These sudden short 1 day allowed me to truly understand how close my relationships are. And all I have to do is call and someone is there to keep me company and reconnect. Thank you V., J. for the 1 day in London and T. and P. and R. for the 1 day in SF and A. and F. for my 1 day in Berlin. Never ever alone no matter where I am in the world. That’s really a comforting feeling.
3) Feeling Gratitude in the Rain and the Sand
I do not know what happened. I simply cry.
Cry from a great sense of joy at being alive.
Yes. This is the year I turned my sadness into joy.
It happened as I was approaching the end of my time in Estonia with the Mindvalley University. I guessed all the lessons and richness of conversations just hit me as I was walking in the rain.
I sang — “These are the Days”… Everyday is the sweetest day we know by Vanessa Williams. It felt so good and so real and so simple.
Never had that happen in a long long time.
The last time was probably during the Camino de Santiago — where I walked alone in the rural areas of Spain.
And of course it had to happen again. This sudden burst of unexplained joy. On the beaches of Barcelona where I was simply sitting and enjoying the sun.
Miraculous
Deep
Experiences
of Connection with my Soul and with the Life-force.
4) Men!
Yes I had more men attention and action than most years. Bet you didn’t expect that addition. However I want to be real in this post and not sound like a dis-embodied spiritual zen without-needs person.
I had lovely male attention and also dates and yes sex.
It was great and also very fun and light.
I believe what the change was — was I was now less stressed and less sad from care-giving of mom. I know those years made me feel paper thin and dried out. And this year, I was coming back into myself.
I did a spiritual healing session with a gifted healer N. and when he put his hand on my heart and I placed my hand on his heart; he saw I was holding back. I felt the holding back too. I was totally unconscious why. Then in his healing presence, I had a huge insight. I blurted out. “I closed my heart down. Cos it was too painful to love. I saw my mother in pain and in order to survive I stopped feeling. Cos to feel meant I was to feel pain. So I stopped loving. Because I was afraid of the pain loving would bring.”
Woah.. Deep!
And that made so much sense to me why I shut down and was too tired to bother with dating when my mom was sick.
5) Testing my Abundance Safety Nets
I was earning the least amount of money ever and in fact one or two times had less than a thousand in the bank. Yes.
I knew my money was coming in from my clients but sometimes there was no cash.
So I did my first Abundance Test. I asked for money.
I asked those who owed me money to return that money. That didn’t work
And so I asked some people I knew to loan me money. Yes. When against every bone in my body to do that! However I wanted to learn how that felt like. To be a recipient and to be in a state of needing help and asking for it. I knew I could pay them however at that moment I was really really strapped.
I didn’t ask my brother or uncle or cousin. I knew they could and would lend me money. :)
I asked some friends.
This was such an important lesson for me and in fact is leading me to my greatest healing of the year.
I realized how many people have secrets. On the surface all seemed well and good. Don’t be beguiled by those Facebook pictures of parties and travel. I found that those people could not pay me the small sums they owed me. Or didn’t want to. I learnt from my friend who did lend me the money that many others had great debts and were addicted and asked money from other friends. Their addiction hurt themselves and others.
I realized and revisited again how it felt like to count my pennies. I had grown up poorer and used to have to count every spend because I may not have enough. The last few years I have never needed to look at most of my purchases as I knew I could cover them. That sense of wealth and power and certainty has shaped me and made me more financially grounded.
I empathized again with those who do not know where their next paycheck will be coming from. I empathize with those who cannot feed their families. I feel again what it means to live off the goodness of your neighbours.
This was when I experienced Abundance. Even more Fully. As I was sensitized again to lack and fear and counting pennies the way I did as a child.
Would it then not surprise you to know that Yes I did get a loan. However I also found that on a very regular basis I would have my meals paid for during this time of lack. So while I was not making any money. I would be fed daily. The Abundance Safety Nets were there.
Ways I would be fed.
- I write about Startups and so at conferences there would be food and after parties
I remember in March there were so many events and in one of them there was even a free flow of Champagne! I remembered having so much rich expensive food that I actually felt bloated.
2. I was in Estonia for a month and somehow people kept paying for my meals and treating me. I believe up to 50% of my meals were bought by someone else
3. Staying with friends — they would pay my meals
4. My clients and business connections almost always paid. Despite me asking for the meeting.
Hmmm…
When Abundance wants you to notice it.. It surely makes it REALLY ABUNDANT
Did I mention walking home on a Saturday and finding 30 dollars on the road? I took $10 and share the others with my brother and family who were there. Took it for good luck and to remember.
6) Health is Wealth
I have been feeling healthier than ever. This one I work on as I am into Reverse Aging and understanding what makes one healthier. More about this in my next posts.
7) The Quality of Conversations
I have been self-aware that one of the challenges of living in a small community is you can almost predict what someone is going to say.
So I have been joining places where conversations range and also where I find conversations more meaningful.
I belong to 1880 a social club in Singapore and intuitively felt I needed to join when I first found it randomly on the internet. The founders believe in great conversations that matter. So I have been enjoying my time there. As well as their sister clubs in NYC.
I have also initiated my own discourse around Women in Tech and Women on Top in Tech is a series with now 101 women leaders in Tech. I have met them in London, Berlin, LA, Singapore, Tallinn, Bangalore and it has been amazing and fulfilling. I have been recognized for this work by Women Economic Forum in Delhi at the start of the year.
8) Co-Living Enthusiast
I have lived in community multiple times in my life and that makes a single person’s life less lonely. Co-living means living together and not with family or in a relationship. Intentional co-living is when we have shared practices that we practice — like being vegan or a certain exercise or meditation regime or discussions around common values and missions.
So dormitory life is one form of co-living but usually that is simply student life.
I have lived in houses where Google programmers and physicists and cancer researchers live. This is where Star Trek music is playing throughout the day, games night only involves strategy games and black holes are discussed over cereal in the morning.
I have lived in Vegas with a multimillionaire, 32 people, 10 dogs and 1 llama. The llama who poos while we have breakfast in the morning. He also spits when stared at too intensely. We lived in Tiny Houses and Air Stream trailers and host events for the local community building Downtown Vegas.
I am hosting my own co-living in Singapore in 2019. Where I intend to have Startup Sleepovers and a Mindfulness Writing retreat. I want to live in community with people who I want to learn from and also be emotionally safe with.
Unlike a hostel where you cannot choose your bedfellows, these communities run on reciprocity and genuine desire to listen and learn and contribute. Rather than do your own thing, we come to do some things together because it is more meaningful and more fun and holds us accountable to a larger communal goal.
Singapore is also testing multigenerations living in coliving as with a growing aging population there are issues of loneliness on top of having help around. I am keen to be part of that topic and see how we can curate deep relationships and better support. The Sharing Economy is not just about sharing resources but also admitting that we share energy and emotions with those around us. If we are responsible and mindful we can help raise the energy of those around us and ourselves too.
9) I have rekindled with a vengeance my love for writing
I thank Jon Morrow and Marsha at Smart Blogger and all my community there. Also Michael Ellsberg and Amy Spies who have been instrumental in my writing quality deepening. I always wanted to be a writer. As a child that was my profession of choice. Then as you may have guessed people told me I would not made money as a writer or had a very slim chance of it.
So I became a teacher instead. On a government scholarship because I was too poor to afford school otherwise.
Then I became a psychologist. They earned more money than teachers and youth workers which I was in the first stages of my career. I needed the money for doctors bills for my mom. Also I must admit I was rather good at being a mind-reader (more a heart reader). I do also love my work. Phew!
This year I have written not for fame or fortune. I write because I wanted to express my voice and hear yours. The internet and short form writing is like me having a dialogue with my people. It is how I like it. So I write to connect. With myself and with you….
As this is a Year-End Reflection. Do know I am still updating this and would love to hear from you
My next post will be about my 2019 Visualization Board and My January Goal Setting Tools.
Why am I telling you all this?
See points 2, 7 and 8
I am looking for New Friends, Quality Conversations and Coliving for a Happier Global Community!
And Writing — did you hear? It makes me feel more complete.
