Lose your Lying Friends and become Happier and Wealthier
Join me on this social experiment in your Life.
My client is always committing to do some joint business with me and he will back down when I ask him to begin. My former colleague says he wants to write a book with me however he keeps pushing back the deadline for the final edits he has to make citing his health, his career and graduate studies.
Something in me snapped and this weekend, I decided to spring clean my emotional nostalgic cupboard of people who say one thing and don’t follow through. I decided to spring clean my cupboard of family/friends/clients/associates/marketing partners/colleagues/anyone in a life project with me who does not communicate enough and who’s life revolves around them more than on our friendship and relationship. It is a really really hard first step. My fear and sense of loss and my wanting to Miss Nice and Love Everyone was saying don’t do it. But my inner wisdom was firmly reminding me — that to pursue my best life, I need a stronger social network of support than the ones I had unconsciously gathered around me.
Were these friends and my life time journeyers inspiring and caring at one point of the journey — yes! And so was I to them. However their priorities changed and they forgot me. They didn’t see the changes and challenges that I had to face. Each time we have a conversation, the conversation was about their challenges. Yes I am a professional coach however they didn’t come to me as a coach and they didn’t pay me. They come to me to work with me or make something together, however they are not moving on any part of it in any real manner. So actually they are lying.
You may think it is extreme to call them liars afterall they didn’t make a false claim, they did want to do all they promise. However when anyone decides to promise us a future that they never see through; when you wait on them and they do not honor the time and emotional space you gave to create something with them, like a monthly gathering, to coming together to co-own a parenting club or a business; once they promise it and they do not follow through, they are liars. Liars to themselves first and then to you.
Liars are people parading as poor time managers, however they really do not have a time management issue. They have a values conflict. They want two or three values at the same time and they cannot find alignment among them. This means like for my aspiring co-author who values his career path and graduate studies at this moment than the book. Unable to reconcile or do the deeper inner work and prioritize his values, he says he is in — when actually in his psychological, emotional and his “unprocessed” values systems, he is already out. No action — all talk. He wants his cake and to eat it. Who is left baking this cake? Me. He is a liar.
I am not the only victim of self liars. My coaching client is an amazing educated hardworking middle age woman yet she is not earning her full potential. She has less money in the bank and retirement plan than you would imagine. When I asked her to do her Landscape of Resources which is a tool I use successful to assess my clients support systems before we aim for the goal they bring to me. My main premise is that if she really wanted he goal she would have got it by now. She would have joined a club of people with similar interests, she would have amassed mentors and started taking the first formative steps. My clients are always capable- if they wanted it really really wanted it — they know how to get the skills and resources needed to get whatever they want.
I usually just have to point out to my clients that they don’t want their goal enough to give up their friendships or Mr or Miss Nice Status. Their status quo has distinct values that mean more to them than their stated coaching goals to me. They treasure unhealthy and self liars who on the surface look like they are on their side but actually are not. In fact many times immediately when we do the Landscape of Resources, we find outright detractors to their dreams in their own family or among their best friends.
After she used the tool, she saw clearly how she was leaking her time to friends and clients who use up her time and returned little or nothing back. She took on clients who said they could not afford to pay more, she took on a marketing partner who made her do a lot of learning and training and proposals for projects but never sent her to any real work, she spent time trying to make an unhappy father happy — a task that belongs to no one. No one can make another person happy and no one is responsible for another’s happiness. If your relationship is with someone who is a caring person and considers your needs, they would never expect you to do that.
Why did I snap this weekend? I usually have excess resources and time to share and so I am afloat when people in my life ghost or abandon me mid project or let me down or leave promises verbal and never take action. This time I was not able to stay afloat, and I wondered why — given I had so many great friends and networks right? I was a liar to myself.
I was afloat but not thriving like I planned and worked towards daily. The truth hurt — it dawned clearly on me that if everyone was really pulling their full weight on Team Marion, as they promised, not as a fantasy I make up in my head. I would be breaking down and through the goals we set together. It hurt. But when it hurts I can heal. When I am lying to myself and they to themselves — nothing moves. And actually it regresses and what is worse, too many of us start believing our dreams cannot come true. We say it cannot be done, rather than admit we don’t want it done enough. Or we have the wrong set of friends and family to support us. Truth.
Alot of this lying is a reflection on me, I had chosen to accept less from the people around me because I treasured being liked more than achieving my deeper goals and mission in life. I was setting up a loser not a winner network of friends and family and colleagues. I was lying to myself. I am writing this in compassion and a great truth to all self-liars, including myself. We all lie. We lie and do not act on what we say we will do because we value these relationships and what people think of us.
So what did I do? I wrote emails and text messages to anyone and everyone who backed down on their words to me. This included not meeting me on the day and time they set. They changed at the last minute but never communicated to me that it was likely they could not make it. Not just one time but several times in their friendship lifetime with me. I started reviewing whether they had helped me or held their end of the bargain of friendship with me — and I also reviewed whether I was the same to them. It became clearer and clearer to me how weak some of my supposed best relationships now were. Not by choice but by poor communication on our current values and priorities in our life. I was intentionally trying to shake down my friendship tree and see who fought to stay and made that re-commitment to me and me to them.
My Lose Your Lying Friends challenge — would you like to try it? It’s only for those who want to be Happier and yes Wealthier like my coaching client and also more peaceful and aligned than ever before. This is not a challenge to be mean rather it is a call to be even more real and compassionate to oneself and others. To communicate at a values level rather than lie socially. To be fully you and your goals will manifest as they naturally will when you and all around you are aligned and full committed to Team You.
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Ask for a Landscape of Resources exercise if you want to truly evaluate your Best Life Systems are.
